The Mystery of the Bulge in the President's Jacket

[Ramona_A_Stone]

"There was nothing under his suit jacket," said Nicolle Devenish, a campaign spokeswoman.

Ms. Devenish then exclaimed that she was the rightful emperor of France, caught and ate a live pigeon, lifted her dress over her head and squatted on the ground for half an hour, insisting that she was an invisible pumpkin.



My theory is that they tried feeding him lines (and whoever 'they' are, they'd be really stupid not to at least think to try it) but alas, in trial runs he couldn't distinguish them from the little voices of Jesus and Satan in his head, so in a last-ditch effort they rigged him with a portable electroshock unit instead, thinking they could at least attempt to wean him from those ultracondescending flared nostril how-in-the-world-does-no-one-get-this-shit-but-me looks with some real-time aversion therapy.

Realizing that the importance of the debates and the dignity of the presidency might merit something a little more state of the art than this device which caused him to appear as if he was cheating on Jeopardy, they'll be using a more advanced and undetectable suppository unit in the third round.