Microsoft/Intel :(CDS)

[multi]

Microsoft/Intel Outline Future of Computing: Can't Do Shit

Redmond, WA - At a technology conference for developers, representatives from Microsoft and Intel outlined the Can't Do Shit (CDS) Road Map for future cooperative products between the two companies. They predict that in 6 years computers it will be impossible to violate a copyright with a computer, or to do anything at all for that matter.

"We're very confident that with the release of our Palladium platform and Intel's LaGrande none of consumers' previous digital media will work. No MP3s, no movie files, nothing," said Josiah Witman, Microsoft's head of the Palladium initiative. "The following year we plan to release a new version of Office that will be unable to function with any files created by previous versions. Thus furthering the CDs initiative greatly."

He also stated that the version of Windows slated for release in 2007 code named Shredder would destroy all files upon installation. "We must be sure consumers do not have any illegal digital content on their systems," emphasized Witman.

Intel foresees a similar path. "Our LaGrande processor will make sure that any digital media is completely inaccessible without paying a fee. The next generation of processors will perform at double the speed but will be incapable outputting any video signals. If consumers can bypass Microsoft's content protection system we have to make sure they can't utilize it in any way," said Harold Gresler of Intel.

Developers agreed that the future of computing is not being able to do shit. "I can't wait to start developing for the CDs platform. You give the customer control of the computer and they just screw things up," said Tom Robbins of Plusex Designs. "It's better to make sure they can't do shit. Then you've got a stability."

Many militant computer users have begun stocking up on computer hardware and digital media and plan on never upgrading again, "If that's the path computing is taking then I'm staying here in 2002."

To discourage hoarding Microsoft and Intel plan a joint lobbying effort on legislation that would mandate upgrades to the new computer system by all citizens. "We can't have fringe computer groups stockpiling useful hardware and software," said Gresler. "We envision CompSquads destroying antiquated equipment so Americans can enjoy only the most cutting edge technology."

Many consumers agreed, "I think Microsoft and Intel are moving very quickly with this new plan, because I'm already at the point where I can't do shit with their products."

Representatives from Real endorsed the development road map and said that they would do their best to make sure that their next media player, RealTwo, would be unable to do shit. "We plan to have RealTwo take file associations for everything. When you click on a .doc file RealTwo will try to open it. It will completely paralyze novices, and cause experts to destroy their computers in fits of rage."

Music and movie executive applauded the plan. RIAA president Hilary Rosen stated that "when consumers can't do shit with their computers then we'll be able to unveil our new digital music plan."

Microsoft has denied allegations that future versions of Windows will use the codebase from Windows for Workgroups 3.11.

[SA_Dave]

HaHA!

Brilliant stuff miuf If you didn't write this I'd like to know the source.

The sad thing is that no matter how funny the parody, the truth is probably much bleaker!

If those rumours about IBM, SUN & Sony designing a new cheap supercomputing chip for the PS3 & PCs are true, then that will surely rival Intel & M$'s alliance!

[Kris404]

Only BBSpot and SatireWire can come up with something as funny as that

http://www.bbspot.com/News/2002/09/cds.html

[greedy_lars]

dood, toooo funny!!!!!!!

[SA_Dave]

Thanks Kris404!

Don't you just love this one :

Valenti and Rosen Press Conference Transcript
By Kyle Bresin

Washington DC - Jack Valenti of the Motion Picture Association of America, alongside Hilary Rosen of the Recording Industry of America held a joint press conference this morning to announce their new plan of action in the ongoing battle against digital piracy. The following is a transcript of that conference:

Valenti: I'm glad you could all be with us today to witness the unveiling of the ultimate weapon to curb digital piracy.
Rosen: Yes, it brings me great pleasure to introduce you to the "Shock-tron-Omega-3"... <snicker>... <pause>
V: Umm yes, thank you Hilary. As she was saying, the "Shock- tron-Omega-3" will enable us to...
R:<stifling laughter> I'm sorry Jack, I just can't go on... We had better tell them...
Both: <burst out laughing>
V: You should have seen the look on your faces, people!
R: <mockingly> "Oh no, we're going to have to wear that gigantic helmet whenever we wanna listen to CDs". You people are gullible.
Vi: Really, how far were you going to let us go? Seriously?
Both: <laughing>
V: You're all sheep, people! Sheeple!
R: Baaaaaa
V: You know, when we originally came up with this act, I didn't think it'd last a week... "Someone's sure to recognize this as pure farce *right* away", I said.
R: Two weeks, tops.
V: But apparently people don't care. Nothing we did ever triggered more than a token amount of resistance.
R: I could murder your mother with a pickax on CSPAN and you people would still rush out to buy the latest "hit" CDs.
V: Or platinum special editions! Man you guys crack me up!
R: Well, I guess that's it, thanks for coming to our press conference! If you're interested in buying a transcript of the conference, we're selling them at the door, on 2 cent pieces of plastic for 20 dollars a piece!
V: Jackasses.
Both: <Exchange high fives>

It may be a bit old but it's particularly relevant to this forum!

[multi]

hey funny stuff..
me ...no i didnt write it...
it was some one called Brian Briggs
sorry brian...

i found it here