Britney Spears Accuses False Tabloids of Dishonesty

[TankGirl]

Britney Spears Accuses False Tabloids of Dishonesty

By Chip Hilton

HOLLYWOOD –Britney Spears, an outspoken member of the conservative watchdog group Accuracy in Media, has used the bully pulpit of her Web site to call for “higher journalistic standards among false tabloids.”

Speaking directly to Us Weekly, In Touch, Star, “and other desperate magazines,” Spears reminded their editors, “Your employees are a reflection of your magazine.” Then she posed the following rhetorical question: “Do you want employees who are honest or those who are liars?”

Spears’ remarks about “fair and balanced reporting” were inspired by a recent article in Us Weekly, which reported that Spears, 23, was carrying a two-headed baby fathered by the ghost of Jerry Garcia.

“That’s just, like, so totally untrue,” wrote Spears. “I never met this Mr. Garcia. How could I be carrying his two-headed baby?”

Spears expressed “genuine concern” about the people who work for false tabloids. “I’d like them to ask themselves the question, ‘What am I lying to myself about?’ Is it that you are fifty pounds overweight? Is it your wife who’s carrying that two-headed baby? Until you face what is going on in your life, I guess you'll remain a false tabloid.”

The editor of Us Weekly, Janice Min, said she was “stunned and surprised” by Spears’ allegations.

“To the best of my knowledge,” said Min, “none of our writers is carrying Jerry Garcia’s baby. And even if she or he were, why would that cast any doubt on the writer’s veracity?”

Visibly distressed, with the veins in her neck throbbing like downed electrical wires, Min fairly shouted, “Who is that bitch to tell US to face what is going in our lives? She ought to face what’s going on in hers. She’s beginning to look like Kirsty Alley’s body double; her trailer park trophy husband, Kevin Federline, was photographed playing tonsil hockey with a stripper in Las Vegas last weekend; and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals just accused her of beating that little fag dog she lugs around everywhere.”

In related news, President George W. Bush said he sympathized with Spears, but he felt that her remarks did not go far enough. “She should have included those so-called satirical Web sites in her critique,” said Bush. “The stuff they publish sounds like it was made up out of half cloth.”