Music Industry to Unveil Amnesty Offer

[theknife]

Each infringing household member will have to send a completed, notarized amnesty form to the RIAA, with a copy of a photo ID.

Recording Industry
Association of America

Dear P2P Filing Sharing Participant,

Greetings.

This a friendly notice (subpoena) from the Recording Industry of America to let you know that we will be pressing charges against you for illegally trading our property online.

That’s right. Put down the Red Bull, scream “Holyshitmotherfucker!” as one long, unintelligible word and start saving your summer job wages, because we’re coming to collect.

Of course, we realize that after receiving this letter, you may have doubts about the lengths of our penises. Our act of sending out more than 900 subpoenas could be interpreted by some therapitsts to be an effort to shore up our waning masculinity—a litigious “beating of the chest,” if you will.

This is not true. For the record, we’re very wealthy. Though many of us were not endowed at birth with a massive and throbbing manhood, we have been able to augment our pantspackers through the use of highly experimental and expensive plastic surgery.

However, for some recording industry executives (most of us) the sheer “lack of material to work with” can prohibit such a surgery. For these individuals we have hired David Copperfield to produce elaborate visual illusions, which cause the average tiny record executive penis to appear nearly as large as Laurence Fishburne. (Not his penis, but the actor himself.)


Using a patented combination of mirrors, a fog machine, and two Hebrew National Brand Ballpark Beef Franks, Mr. Copperfield is able to give the average recording industry executive the illusion of 2-3 more meters in length, and 1/2 meter in added girth—a quite remarkable achievement capable of impressing the most skeptical Los Angles prostitute, or even Elizabeth Hurley.

These illusions are portable and designed to fold into briefcase-sized enclosures which are easily carried from one sexual encounter to another. They even fit in an overhead luggage rack for handy availability on cross-country flights, or into the tiny trunks of our Porche Boxters.

Of course, this technology is not inexpensive. And so, we’re asking you to pay up for all the music you’ve been stealing.

Sincerely,
The RIAA
.