The United States plans to declare war on horror, hysteria and hilarity once it is finished waging its war on terror, according to sources inside the Bush administration.
“These three emotions are the new axis of evil,” one well-placed source said.
Insiders say the US is likely to wrap up the war on terror some time within the next decade and is most likely to forge straight into the somewhat similar war on horror.
That fight is expected to begin with bans on films such as Nightmare on Elm Street and The Exorcist, while the war on hilarity will see the entire back-catalogue of Jim Carrey films pulled from shelves.
However, officials have confirmed the Scary Movie film series is unlikely to be banned under either the war on horror or the war on hilarity.
The war on hysteria would most likely be the US’s final fight on an emotion, and would see the banning of any repeats of the radio show War of the Worlds or any similar pranks.
In a controversial move, the war on hysteria would also see the US ban the use of its own colour-coded terrorism warning system.
“It just wouldn’t be right to declare war on hysteria and then go about creating mass hysteria by warning people that the country was on a Code Red terrorism alert,” one official said.
“That’s why the war on hysteria will come last — because we need to be sure that Americans are no longer terrified of terror before we cut out the hysteria-inducing warnings.”
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