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Right Wing Gold
BY DEAN OPPERMAN, area radio personality currently “off the grid” and writing a book.
Capitalist Records presents Right Wing Gold, the greatest collection of neo-conservative ideology ever set to music!
Just look at Volume One, Folk Songs of the Far Right Wing. You’ll get “This Land Was Your Land,” by the Coalition of the Willing; “If I Had A Hammer (I’d Sell It to the Army),” by the Halliburton Boys; “Hang Down Your Head, Tom DeLay,” by the Jerry Manders Trio; “Abraham, Nixon, and Ron,” by the Sean Hannity Singers; and “Go Vote Twice, It’s All Right,” by Katherine Harris and the Broward Bunch. Yes, these are the songs you cried to, the songs you got sued to! All the class-action classics are here. “The Night They Shut Monsanto Down,” by Mercury Joe and the Fish, “Where Has All the Ozone Gone,” by
the Coppertones, “We Shall Overcharge,” by Pfizer and the Pfixers, and that all-time Sing-Sing sing-along, “Michael Stow Your Dough Offshore,” by Kenny Lay and the Lay Lows.
But that’s only the beginning! Right Wing Gold celebrates America’s triumph in Iraq with Volume Two, Mission Accomplished. These are the songs that rocked the world while the chicken hawks shocked the world! You’ll get “I Just Dropped In to See if There’re Weapons of Mass Destruction Within,” by Hans Blix and the Bin Kickers, “Papa’s Got a Brand New Baghdad,” by Little Condi Rice, and Dick Cheney socks it to “The Langley Valley CIA.” You’ll dance ’til dawn to hits like “Fox Around the Clock,” by Bill O’Reilly and the Realists, “The Leader of Iraq,” by Question Mark and the Mysterians, and “To Kurd with Love,” by Lulu. For those who like their martial music on the mellow side, we give you “Sunnis in the Night,” by Frank Shiitra, “Don’t Cry for Me Condoleezza,” by Colin Powell, and “Embassy with the Singe on Top,” by Kofi and the Kurfews. Yes, these
are the melodies that have Mesopotamia mesmerized!
Far Right Rock is fair and balanced too. We’ve plundered the entire Middle East for the songs of opposition in Volume Three, Renegade Rhythms. Here in genuine Islam-a-phonic stereo are such hard-to-find artists as Big Al Qaeda and the Quagmires singing “I’ve Been Blowing Up the Railroad,” the Fatwa Family singing “How Much Is That Warhead in the Window,” and Harry Hamas with “Listen, Do You Want to Buy an A-Bomb?” From out of the shadows come the Insurgents with “Take a Hostage, Maria,” you’ll get “That’s All Right Osama” by Saudi Prince and the Revolution, and that stateside smash from the Sleeper Cells, “Yes, We Have No Bandanas.”
What red-blooded neo-con won’t want to get their hands around Volume Four, Midnight Confessions. Here are songs so powerful they have grown men weeping from Guantanamo to Abu Ghraib. You’ll get “Eight Piled High,” by Big Brother and the Holding Cell Company, “Jail On Jailer,” by the Breach Boys, “Tie a Yellow Bungee (Round the Detainee)” by Tony Commando and Dawn, and “I Left My Rights in San Francisco,” by the Gitmo Gang. And just when you think you’ve had enough, the hits keep on coming with “The Beating Goes On,” by Sunni and Cher, “Bend Me Shape Me,” by Jefferson Broomstick, and “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Black and Blue” by Kenny Jihad.
And after a hard day pummeling third-world innocents, it’s time to relax with Volume Five, Far Right Romance. All the pale pink policy wonks are here! Cheney and Scalia sing “Night and You and Blue Viagra,” you’ll get “Almost Mussed My Hair,” by Trent Lott, “Hey Mr. Slot Machine Man,” by Big Bill Bennett, and “Me and Hannity and Colmes (We Got a Thing Going On)” by Anne Coulter and the Whipcrackers. Yes, here’s where the far right wing does its far right thing! You’ll really get down to “He Ain’t Blotto, He’s Rush Limbaugh,” by Eli Lilly and the Pill Poppers, “You and Me Against the World,” by Bush and Blair, and that all-time show stopper, Pat Robertson and the Four Horsemen singing “For the End Times.”
We’re sure you’ll agree, Right Wing Gold is the greatest collection of neo-conservative music ever assembled. Hurry and order now! With those mushroom clouds on the horizon, you’ll want to get yours before time runs out!
Questions, comments, feedback: Write to deanopp@cox.net

http://www.independent.com/opinions/voices914.htm